Changing Directions Series - Surviving

Here we are on the last day of the Changing Directions Series: Surviving

The traumas that I have survived:

• The loss of my brother William (Billy) Dean his website here
• Domestic Violence
• Divorces
• Loss of my only child Dustin Davis his website here
• The Love of my LIfe having a massive Ischemic stoke more info here
• The loss of my Daddy
• The loss of my son's best friend Luke who was in the accident with him but had survivors guilt, he died of an overdose, he lived with us a lot before Dustin died.  his FB page here 
• Being a Caregiver
• Having my 83 year old Mother move in.  Love her to pieces, she is my rock.

Pictures

My brother Billy

Me and Billy

My precious Dustin and two with me

My Mom and Dad, one Mom and I and one with Billy as a baby

me and Luke and Luke and Dustin (I always try to hide my gum!)

 

It would not be stretching it to say that I have survived several traumas.  My fiance's stroke, loss of my Daddy and the loss of Luke was within a year.

Did I think I would lose my mind?  Yes.  It was so arduous to say the least.  I slept a lot, cried and kept asking why?  You know we never know the reason why.  That in itself is haunting.  

Going back to the death of Dustin.  I have to admit Mr. Webster does not have a word to describe what happens to you and what goes one, indescribable.  It hurts like hell and you feel a sense of hopelessness and most of lost.  A child is a part of you and when gone a part of your goes with them and that is so very true.  Never again are we the same. 

The main reason I kept going was I wanted to keep his memory alive.  I didn't want anyone to forget him.  He lived and breathed don't forget him.  This alone kept me doing a lot of things.  We had a scholarship in his name, scheduled walks in his name, and I did the website which was about the most soothing of all.  When you have lost someone all we have left is pictures and memories.  Keeping the memories vivid by writing down in fear of forgetting, holding each photo tight and in a safe place, protecting them because now that is him for me.

I survived.  I carried on despite the hardship and trauma. I remained functionable for a while then sought help and medication to facilitate the troubled heart, soul and mind.  I had to admit that I was weak and needed the help.  I worked at it for about one year to get myself to a comfortable point.  It didn't happen instantaneously it was not a spring but a marathon.  I survived.

When Michael had his stroke with me in the same room everything around me went swirling like a tornado spin.  Frantically I called 911.  So many thoughts were going through my mind.  What now?  

The doctors at The Ohio State Medical Center explained what had happened to Michael in detail with drawings.  It occurred to me I didn't know that much about strokes. Well let me tell you the doctors taught me everything I needed to know and answered all of my questions and I had to learn quick.

Michael went to Dodd Hall Rehab at The Ohio State Medical Center on February 15, 2011.  The nurses, doctors, therapists, social workers were in my face either asking questions or teaching me something.  I had no time to grieve, I had to be there to assist in his healing.  The therapist expected me to learn the physical  occupational and speech therapies so I knew how to apply them and keep working with him.  His recovery was going so well.  He was in in patient therapy treatment from February 15, 2011 until June 23 the day he got to come back home.

Not to forget I had to get our home ready for him.  Had to have a ramp built, bathroom redone, furniture moved, rugs put up as we have all hardwood floors which made all of the therapist so happy.  Michael also learned he was a diabetic so I had to learn injections and all that went with the disease.  Cooking was low sodium, low fluid, low carb diet.  Try fixing meals that met all of those criteria.  He is still doing outpatient therapy and takes about 32 meds so I have to be on top of my game.  Guess what?  I survived.

The month of June Michael was in rehab at Dodd Hall and my Daddy was at The Ohio State Medical center very sick.  My Mom refused to leave him so she stayed with him the entire time 24/7.  I spent my days walking back and forth to keep track of all that was going on with both.  I hated to leave my Daddy when I would have to go to Dodd Hall to tend to Michael's needs.  I only missed two days of being at Ohio State Medical Center from February 15 to June 23.  So obviously I was left to take care of our bills and now my parents bills also.  There were days that I thought I would lose my mind.  Guess what?  I survived.

When Michael first came home I believed that I could handle everything on my own without outside help.  It didn't take me long to realize I was not Superwoman.  He now has an aide eight hours during the day and two hours in the evening.

My Daddy had to go to a nursing home.  Guilt ridden as I told him I would never put him in one.  I spent my days going back and forth as again my Mom would not leave his side.  So of course I worried about her too.  July 11, 2011 my Daddy passed away.  Devastation was in my life again.  This was Daddy and I was his girl.  I felt I had to be strong for my Mom so my grieving was done privately.  No words to describe losing a parent either.  We were so close.  Guess what?  I survived.

 Me and Mom and Mom

My Mom did not want to live in their home in the country so she moved in with Michael and I.  She is 83 years old and more active than me.  Her and Michael are perfectionist and I am so far from that.  Now they do drive me crazy with that.  Guess what?  I survived.

The phone rang and when I answered it I was told that the squad was at Luke's house with a non breather.  Immediately I started to hyperventilate because I had just learned he was suffering so badly from depression and survivor's guilt that he was now addicted to heroin.  I knew it was him and it was.  He was pronounced dead the next morning.  I would text and talk to him daily.  He was gone.  It was surreal.  When I went to the funeral home early as I knew I would whale and bawl so I wanted it be without a lot of people around.

My Mom and I walked into the funeral home and there were pictures of Dustin and Luke everywhere.  Flashbacks came fast and hard.  Everyone would see me and come to hug me and ask me how I was doing.  Did they really want to know? Luke was holding a picture of Dustin with raffia and a rose around it.  The rose was from Dustin's funeral.  Guess what?  I survived.

The only reason I survived is by doing what the other parts of this series has been talking about.  I had to make myself work the process each and every time a trauma happened in my life.

I journaled, I sought counseling, medication, talked with friends and wanted to get through it as unscathed as possible.  It was not easy and again it didn't happen overnight.  I still grieve for my brother, Dustin, Daddy, Luke and look at Michael and ask why I actually grieve for him too.  How terrible to trapped inside your own body.

Books are good to read to help you understand some situations.  The most important thing is that I want to survive.  I wanted to heal.  I wanted to live my "abnormal" normal life which kept changing on me.  I fought with all that was in me.

So today what are you going to start doing to survive?  What work will you do to help yourself?  Nobody is going to do it for you.  The will to survive has to be stronger than the will to give or get used to being in pain.  Being in pain is the easy road because there is no work involved.  It just is and there so oftentimes we go with it.  Is that going to be you to take the easy road?

I am here for you.  My email is myeclecticloft@gmail.com so email me with your concerns or questions.  Join a group in your community or one online.  You just have to do something to survive.  Doing nothing will bring your health down and then what?

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you that are trying or not trying.  Changing directions in life is not easy.  I have had to do many times.  Guess what?  You can do it too.

My God bless you all.

Nancy

   

Changing Direction Series Part IV - Working through the change

Let's start today by the definition of work as a noun and as a verb.  I got this from Goggle definitions and it is perfect and found here .

 work  

/wərk/

Noun Activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

Verb Be engaged in physical or mental activity in order to achieve a purpose or result, esp. in one's job; do work Please go back and read the above definition for work about three more times.  I want your to grasp the meaning and the concept of the word work.  It is a word we hear often but to really work through the changing of direction we need to completely understand the full meaning. Activity involved in mental effort is where we will start.  The Changing Direction Series so far has been preparing you for the mental activity; getting ready to actually start doing the physical activity in changing directions.  To be engaged in a physical or mental activity to achieve a purpose. http://abstract.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/937301/ If you have read my stories which I hope by now that you have you can see I have been just about as low as I could be after the death of my son.  No Mother expects to burying their children or as people would tell me, "Do you know you are living my worst nightmare."  Duh, yes I know I am living that nightmare you don't need to remind me.  It is one of the ultimate unexpecteds in life.  At one point I couldn't laugh, leave my home, just barely functioning, all I felt was the "black hole" sucking me in deeper and deeper with no way out. The day I got into my car to go to work, was one block from my house and I was lost.  I didn't know where I was.  The day I was so scared not knowing how to get home to my safety net.  The day I had to call a friend to come to get me even though it was difficult to tell her where I was because I truly didn't know.  After she got me and my car home I breathed a sigh of relief to be in my comfort zone.  This was the day I decided I had to work on me to change and to get better.  I didn't know how that was possibly going to happen but I knew it needed too. If you can say to yourself I really can't live this way anymore then it is time to work on changing directions and making the change work for you.  If you have cried an ocean of tears, slept days away, didn't want to take care of the remaining children, if you just wanted to spend your day grieving then I am telling you it is time for you to start working through the change. Hopefully you have been journaling since the change in your life happened.  It doesn't matter if you are a writer or not just write something everyday.  This is a wonderful start. The following is how I worked through the change in my life almost two years after.  What I did may not be what works for you but deep inside something is speaking to you about what you should do to help yourself.  We have to help ourselves work through the change.  Nobody else is feeling the emotions that you have or the wear on you physically.  You will know when it is time to work and when you know don't fight that urge to do something to help yourself. I feel at times we become comfortable in our current state of grief, depression, hopelessness, etc.  We have been here for so long now it just make sense to stay in the state of mind.  You accept that this is how life is suppose to be from now on.  I say "Wake up, look around you, you know better."  This is scary when the horrid life we are living becomes easier to live than trying to work yourself out of it. My solution was to finally seek professional help.  All my life I thought counseling was for the weak at heart.  Well guess what?  I was the weak at heart because it was broken and aching I had to seek a way to soothe it.  If we have the flu we take aspirin, etc so why shouldn't we want something for this pain? I started seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist at the same time.  I figured I was going at this head on like a train rushing down the tracks.  No holding back, I needed help. The very first thing the psychologist wanted to do was to put me on meds.   Wait a minute.....those are for weak minded people.  Again, Well guess what?  I was weak minded if I couldn't go out of my house and when I did I may get lost.  My mind was weak.  This was one of the hardest parts for me to accept.  I had always been a strong person, I was the one all my friends came to for their problems.  Now I had the problems.  Decisively with no going back I agreed to medication.  Inside I was shaking at the thought of taking medicine.  I hated to take any kind of pill now to take medication daily was just against my grain of thoughts. I started taking the medication and for the first week all I did was sleep.  I thought now this can't be right, I can't sleep all day long.  A friend of mine said, "Take them at night."  Huh, well I never thought of that.  So I took my meds at night and after about three weeks I started to feel a change in direction coming on. Interest came about my house, my yard, my friends and family.  The feeling was so breathtaking and I felt some fresh air come into my being.  I could take a deep breath and it felt delightful.  Feelings that I hadn't experienced for two years were coming back to me.   I had made another change in direction in my life.  I was changing before my eyes and I could feel it coming on.  Let's not forget that my heart was still broken, I still cried for Dustin, I was still grieving in my heart.  I was coping better and able to start to live my new "abnormal" normal (Lisa Church) life. It took about six months before I was completely ready to go out with friends and the first time was still extremely difficult but I did it.  I laughed for the first time that the laughter felt good, healing and fun.  The thought of what people thought if they saw me laugh didn't even enter my mind.  I think they were relieved to finally see me laugh again. For my to  work through my change of directions it was to seek counseling and to give in to medication to help me through. Now for your change in direction what is going to work for you? talk to a pastor talk to a friend do some of the homework options daily seek counseling start medication meditation exercise self help books design a website blog about it What worked for me may not work for you.  You know deep inside what will help you work through your change.  The ticket is deciding to do something about it and be willing to work both mentally and physically through your change.  Don't sit in your life now and do nothing and expect a change.   Albert Einstein quoted "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results."  I am not saying anyone is insane however at one point in my life I felt like I was.  The concept of doing the same thing day in and day out and expecting that the pain, the hermit like condition will just magically disappear will not be effective.  You have to work mentally and physically towards your healing and new direction in life. Today I can say I go anyplace that I want.  I shop, laugh, I live BUT I still grieve for Dustin.  I still cry for him, sometimes I scream how unfair it is for him not to be here.  All of those feeling still exist the difference is the choices I made to assist me has allowed me to  start living my "abnormal" normal (Lisa Church) life. What choices are you going to make?  What work are you going to do to get through this change in your life? My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. "Together we can make it." Nancy

Is Dust Part of the Decor?

I have been told so many times that I have too many "things" out and it is a lot to dust.  What do they mean dust?  I thought dust was part of the decor of any home?  I am shocked; have I been wrong for a long time?

 

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin

I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on. ~Roseanne Barr
Cleanliness is next to impossible. ~Author Unknown

Just to share a few thoughts that I am not alone.  Michael is a perfectionist and I am sooooooooo far away from that.  After my Daddy died my Mom moved in with us and she is a perfectionist too.  Both together just about drives me insane.   They care about useless things that takes time for what???  Who cares.

Don't get me wrong I have my house cleaned, not always dusted like it should be but the kitchen, living room and bathroom are clean. 

Here is my problem.  I bought my house April 15, 2005.  I was so anal that nothing could be dirty, everything had to shine.  I have all hardwood floors which had to be spotless and shining at all times.  All I was concerned about was my clean house.



On June 8, 2005 my only child my son was killed in a car accident.  All I could think of was the time I spent cleaning the house instead of spending time with him.  Since then things like cleaning doesn't seem to be as important.

The thing is with Michael and Mom the house will always be presentable but it is not my main goal in life.

I have to admit that when everything is shining I love it and it feels so good.  A clean house means there is still work to do tomorrow.