Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Changing Directions Series III - making the change work for you

Making the change work for you

Now here we are, working through some self realizations, facing our trauma.  If you have done your homework you should be ready for this section.

One thing to remember, the most important thing of this whole series is, the pain will never leave you, it is with you for life.  The goal is to learn to work through the pain.  I know it sounds crazy but it is very important to know this.

Did you do any of your homework at all?  The homework is important even if you absolutely do not feel like doing any of it just choose a couple to do.  Slow and steady.

Obviously the change in our lives is not what we wanted.  Never in a million years did I ever believe that Dustin, my only child would get killed in a car accident at the age of 17 and I, his Mom would have to bury him.  I am not in a place where I want to be.

This series is perhaps the most difficult.  We don't want to be where we are but we are here now what?  What happens 2 years from now we will still be in the grieving stage of the first week or month?  We shouldn't be, I know believe I know it is brutally, brutally difficult to keep going.

Start a journal, write something everyday even if it's one line, write.  Maybe start a website or some of you have Facebook pages for the loss Loved Ones.  Start a cause in your Loved One's name and work it.  As for grief talk about your Loved One, friend, or loss to everyone you see.  They will feel uncomfortable but you will feel better.  Talk, talk, talk.

I had a friend that had lost her daughter and she was having the most difficulty I have ever seen coming to grips, to go out of her house.  The reason she said was that she loved her daughter more than her other friends had loved their children.  Not so, we all grieve so differently but we loved our children just as much.

Starting back into your new "abnormal" (Lisa Church her daughter's site here) normal life will have to happen or you will just wither.  I know a Mom whom I met at one of our Get Togethers that had not been out of the house is 10 years except to go the store.  We embraced her, made her laugh and know that it was ok.  She is a lot more active now still living with the pain but back to her "abnormal" normal life.

Here is comes:  How to make the change work for you

I don't mean forgetting, we are here, there is a detour we must see what this road has for us.  It may mean nothing without your Loved One but in my opinion they want you to live life.  My son told me, "Mom, life is too short.  Get out there and live, go do stuff, have fun!"  Now that he is gone I don't think he wants it to be any different for me.

The first time I went with friends for a drink I sat there and it seemed like I was in another world looking looking down at the whole room laughing and having fun.  I had to listen about their children, etc.  I was just lost and hated it and didn't want to do it again. I did do it again and my friends came over hugging me saying, "It's good to see you out, Dusty is loving this."  Soon it just got easier and my ears didn't hear the kid stories, well ok some but I tuned them out. OR I shared a Dusty story and they accepted that.

Each time I went out it really did get easier even though I would come home and just cry and cry.  I had survived it and so can you.

Here is the hardest part of all.  We have to "choose" to do something or nothing.  It's hard, detour road is jagged and you get scars on top of scars but you get to your first destination.  A plateau of sorts where looking back it seems that you came so far in a month or two.  

You have to choose:
  • To work this series
  • Do the homework
  • Share with others that understand
  • Your recovery will depend on you
In no way at all am I suggesting to choose to forget, we never want to forget, we want to get past the valley.  To get to an "abnormal" normal.  Our normal is gone forever.  I know it seems that everything is tossed up in the air and that our heart is sinking more and more into that black hole with no way out.  There is if you choose to.

For you to heal somewhat you have to work at it.  There is no magical wand to wave to zap it all away.  Our broken hearts remind us of love that will forever and always be in our hearts.  Love is a wonderful thing but yes there are times when it hurts too.  

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.  Please pray for me too.
"Together we can make it!"