Monday, June 17, 2013
Let me start by saying I am not an expert, a counselor, no license to be one. I am a woman who has experienced many traumas in my life and from those I learned how I coped and survived and want to share that process with others. I am not responsible if what I suggest does not work in any way for you. Everyone has their own way of surviving.
Monday June, 17 2013
Part One A change is happening in your life or has happened
Story of my life the early years here
Story of my life Part II here
Story of my life Part III here
Story of my life Part VI here
My Dv Story here
Something has happened in your life. Many occurrences bring about change, trauma, life changing. It may be loss of a Loved One, divorce, rape, job loss all of these take their toll in our emotions and our every being. Having lost a child I would never compare that to the others however these changes occur and they consume every fiber of our being.
In this series these instances will be called "detours." A change in direction from what we are used to or the norm.
I relate this to going on a trip to a place you are unfamiliar with and you see the dreaded detour signs. Oh just great, the detours take you off in another direction than what you had planned. You need to adjust and follow the detour path.
When a life changing event happens it detours us from our normal lives that we are living. We are thrown into new territory that is not known to us at all. What do we do here? Where do we go? How can I make it?
The first thing is to get a pad and pen, go to a mirror, write down everything you see. Look even deeper to inside your soul. What is there? The feelings, emotions, the pain, etc. At the end write how you see yourself without the mirror. We are oftentimes too hard on ourselves as we don't see what others see.
Now ask three friends to describe you in three words. Write those down too.
The hardest task is looking inside at the pain because let's face it the word is pain for a reason. You must do this to face all that is life changing in you life.
What has brought you to the detour and to Change Directions in your life?
When you have quiet time sit down with your lists. Admit weaknesses hurt, pain, loneliness, etc. This is very difficult but you must find the main detour that has made you change directions. To get back to an "abnormal normal" (Lisa Church) life we have to face the things we don't want to and live the detoured life. There is no way getting around it.
Cry, scream do whatever you must to look at this. Let me tell you if you have lost a child your heart will never stop hurting, we learn to live with the hurt.
Feel free to share your change if you want to email my email is firstname.lastname@example.org All emails will be kept private.
Join a conversation.
All of my thoughts and prayers to all
Tuesday, June 18, 2005 we will be discussing how to react when the change occurs. Please join us.
Changing Directions Series Part II
Obviously no two people react to a situation the same, we are all unique when it comes to reaction to trauma.
By now for most of you the trauma has come into your life, made your life take a huge detour and now you are headed in a different direction or directions unsure where to go what to do.
Let's focus, relax and take a deep breath. I know this is hard but sit right at this moment, take deep breaths and allow yourself a few minutes to relax. How long has that been? How to relax here Take a hot bubble bath, a long shower, walk, eat, whatever it takes to relax, just do it.
Allow yourself to grieve, it is normal and healthy to a point to get us through loss of a Loved One, rape, divorce, career loss, etc. Grieving is supposed to be a healing process and in comes in no particular order for each one of us again it is different.
Here comes a tough one. Allow yourself to laugh. You may be like me after I lost my son Dustin. I felt guilty to laugh or thought if I did laugh everyone would think I was "over" Dustin's loss. Believe me nobody ever thinks that only we do in our heads. Our friends and family love to see us laugh. I am sure my son Dustin is so happy now that I can laugh, we did that so much. Laugh at something, movie, joke, something just laugh. Laughing in itself is very healing.
This series is short but you have homework...yes but no grading....that is the good thing.
- At this point you are in life, the change has happened, where you are now, how are you grieving? Write down each emotion and action.
- set times to relax totally relax three times a day, set your schedule
- call that friend that you haven't talk to forever, make the first move, yes it's hard but worth it
- go to a private place allow yourself to cry, talk to God, your Loved One, your cause of this change. Scream, yell, cry and talk. Talk to yourself, yes to yourself, we all do it, it is soothing too.
- pick a book, any book and read one chapter
- watch one news program national news
- watch a TV show completely and actually listen to it
- allow yourself to laugh, come on you can do this
Now for most of you none of the above has happened in a long time well it's about time, let's go let's start on helping to learn to live with a broken heart.
After you have done the above write in your journal how each made you feel. Be honest if you actually felt good for a change. I am giving you suggestions it is up to you to work your program. Journal, Journal, Journal!
I know you don't feel like doing this crap but for yourself and the ones that love you please try.
You can share your results, email me email@example.com or keep it to yourself, private. No pressures to share. Just do it!
Love, thoughts and prayers,
Now here we are, working through some self realizations, facing our trauma. If you have done your homework you should be ready for this section.
One thing to remember, the most important thing of this whole series is, the pain will never leave you, it is with you for life. The goal is to learn to work through the pain. I know it sounds crazy but it is very important to know this.
Did you do any of your homework at all? The homework is important even if you absolutely do not feel like doing any of it just choose a couple to do. Slow and steady.
Obviously the change in our lives is not what we wanted. Never in a million years did I ever believe that Dustin, my only child would get killed in a car accident at the age of 17 and I, his Mom would have to bury him. I am not in a place where I want to be.
This series is perhaps the most difficult. We don't want to be where we are but we are here now what? What happens 2 years from now we will still be in the grieving stage of the first week or month? We shouldn't be, I know believe I know it is brutally, brutally difficult to keep going.
Start a journal, write something everyday even if it's one line, write. Maybe start a website or some of you have Facebook pages for the loss Loved Ones. Start a cause in your Loved One's name and work it. As for grief talk about your Loved One, friend, or loss to everyone you see. They will feel uncomfortable but you will feel better. Talk, talk, talk.
I had a friend that had lost her daughter and she was having the most difficulty I have ever seen coming to grips, to go out of her house. The reason she said was that she loved her daughter more than her other friends had loved their children. Not so, we all grieve so differently but we loved our children just as much.
Starting back into your new "abnormal" (Lisa Church her daughter's site here) normal life will have to happen or you will just wither. I know a Mom whom I met at one of our Get Togethers that had not been out of the house is 10 years except to go the store. We embraced her, made her laugh and know that it was ok. She is a lot more active now still living with the pain but back to her "abnormal" normal life.
Here is comes: How to make the change work for you
I don't mean forgetting, we are here, there is a detour we must see what this road has for us. It may mean nothing without your Loved One but in my opinion they want you to live life. My son told me, "Mom, life is too short. Get out there and live, go do stuff, have fun!" Now that he is gone I don't think he wants it to be any different for me.
The first time I went with friends for a drink I sat there and it seemed like I was in another world looking looking down at the whole room laughing and having fun. I had to listen about their children, etc. I was just lost and hated it and didn't want to do it again. I did do it again and my friends came over hugging me saying, "It's good to see you out, Dusty is loving this." Soon it just got easier and my ears didn't hear the kid stories, well ok some but I tuned them out. OR I shared a Dusty story and they accepted that.
Each time I went out it really did get easier even though I would come home and just cry and cry. I had survived it and so can you.
Here is the hardest part of all. We have to "choose" to do something or nothing. It's hard, detour road is jagged and you get scars on top of scars but you get to your first destination. A plateau of sorts where looking back it seems that you came so far in a month or two.
You have to choose:
- To work this series
- Do the homework
- Share with others that understand
- Your recovery will depend on you
In no way at all am I suggesting to choose to forget, we never want to forget, we want to get past the valley. To get to an "abnormal" normal. Our normal is gone forever. I know it seems that everything is tossed up in the air and that our heart is sinking more and more into that black hole with no way out. There is if you choose to.
For you to heal somewhat you have to work at it. There is no magical wand to wave to zap it all away. Our broken hearts remind us of love that will forever and always be in our hearts. Love is a wonderful thing but yes there are times when it hurts too.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. Please pray for me too.
"Together we can make it!"
Let's start today by the definition of work as a noun and as a verb. I got this from Goggle definitions and it is perfect and found here .